Hey Jordan, I feel ya. IMHO it's a good thing that you hate this world, and you're OK with dying. If I didn't have my 2 sons to worry about I wouldn't mind dying in my sleep and waking up in Paradise. On the flip side, I do long to be a part of the Great Crowd, which requires surviving, but I know this means I'll have to witness unimaginable horrors and evils... some involving those I love. I try to enjoy each peaceful day knowing what's coming, but I'll admit it's not easy since each day seems to be a little worse than the last. I'm at peace knowing Jehovah's guiding my steps. I draw from the Book of Job a lot; I blame Satan for every bad things I see or experience. This allows me to love Jehovah and Jesus, and to avoid any negative feelings about them. They hate what he's done to their creation way more than I do, but it had to be this way in order to prove Jehovah right.
Right now my oldest son believes Jehovah created us, but that He doesn't care one way or the other. I can understand why someone with no faith can think this way. I could dwell on the negative of this line of thought, but instead I'm thankful he isn't an Atheist, a God hating Satanist or a worshipper inside Babylon the Great. He's like so many out there who are in limbo, waiting for a sign. We're on this forum for a reason, as it was Jehovah who drew us here. Why? So we can sharpen our skills for the spiritual battle ahead. Think of it as if we're anticipating a huge battle, but we have no idea when it will commence. Our minds would be filled with anxiety, depression, fear, anger... and many other emotions, but when the General decided it was time to fight, we'd go out and our focus would sharpen for the task we'd been training for.
We're all being tested in our own ways. I feel special knowing Jehovah and Jesus are on one side cheering for me to make the correct choice, while Satan and his demons are on the other side getting frustrated as their attempts to derail my faith fail. We're not judged unfaith when we break down and feel like we can't live in this system anymore; that's when Jehovah carries us. We must carry on and push through. We're all preparing one way or another, some more than others. Those who have few preps will be taken care of by those who have more. I know it... I can feel it. Every time I add to my preps I get this feeling they're not going to be for me. Right now I'm trying to enjoy foods I believe will be in short supply soon, like ice cream, chocolate, cheese... I'm also war gaming many scenarios for the coming siege, so I'm not caught flat footed. I plan on fantasying heavily about Paradise when the worst of the storm hits. I won't be looking back at what I enjoyed, but looking forward to the unimaginable bounty that's just ahead. It's kind of exciting in a scary sort of way.
So hang in there Jordan. Wake up, go about your day and stay awake spiritually. Follow Galatians 5:22-23 "On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self-control. Against such things there is no law." and you'll be OK.