Let's break this down to its principle elements. Water baptism is not the end all saving life preserver..
Baptism, begins with a circumcision of the heart.. A baptism if you wil..not a dunk in the water.. it's like an awakening, when you first believe after you've heard the truths of God's word through his son about the kingdom, which is an introduction to Christ and his father Jehovah... Water baptism is an outward signal which comes later from the seat of motivation, which is the heart...where one wishes to identify himself as a partaker of bringing oneself in line with the pattern set down by Christ and to tell Christ and Jehovah you wish to dedicate you life to living by thier standards and principles.. which gives the newly baptised one a temporary clean conscience to approach Jehovah in prayer through Christ ... But know this, being baptized does not wash you completely clean, it only absolves you of your passed sins, but, from that day forward whatever sins practice can be held against you..
Now where can you get Baptized? I personally went to an assembly hall, one out of my own circuit not knowing anyone, I prayed beforehand dedicating my life to Jehovah and his Son, then sat down in the baptismal candidate session, it was a Saturday.. And dedicated myself as best I could before all present because and I had brought my life in line with Christs requirements, I was preaching and teaching, I went over the baptismal questions and fully understood what my role was as one of Jehovahs witnesses..
Yes the body of water needs to be large enough to submerge you, completely. and yes, men must perform the baptism because Angels are present .. if you chose not to be Baptised and never bring yourself to that point, then are you really complying with Christ and Jehovahs provisions?
Lastly...what's preventing you