Just to tell you about myself a little, so you know who I am and my experiences with the Organization and how I came to be here.
As I said , I was baptized on June 5, 1982 . shortly after my baptism I went to the elders to explain that something weird happened to me , that while I was praying to Jehovah, I felt his Holy Spirit come upon me and it was if it was examining me , searching me thru. I asked if this was normal and or if I had been chosen by Jehovah as an anointed one. Their reply was , that they had not had anyone say this to them but also as I was just baptized and really a very new christian , and that the anointed where chosen and number fulfilled back in 1935 , and it was unlikely that an anointed one fell away, needing to be replaced it was not likely I was anointed. They also confirmed to me that if Jehovah needed to replace one , that of all the ones that have served him faithfully for so many years , surely Jehovah would choose one of those , not a newly converted man. I also said that when I read the bible it is as if Jehovah was speaking directly to me, and they told me that it was just that I was new in the truth and was very zealous . Having never liked or been very interested in religion , I felt that they must be right , that this feeling inside me was just a example or evidence of my zeal and love for God . I readily admit this was very difficult for me to adhere to , every memorial I fought against this inward desire to partake of the emblems, never mentioning this to anyone...I fought against this for many years , even telling in prayer to Jehovah , I will be very happy wherever I serve him , and if I am wrong , please forgive me for not partaking ....through out the many years of my dedication I have really experienced some rather incredible moments of Jehovah's spirit over me, I hesitate to even share it with anyone for fear of being mocked. For instance , back in the early nineties I experienced what can only be described as a nudge , or a feeling that something went wrong in the Organization and that Jehovah withdrew his spirit...then as if again Jehovah spirit was warning me, as the GB was being more and more glorified as the Faithful and discreet slave and that Jehovah and Jesus were being relegated to a lower position or no position ...I took note of it, probably like many of you. As time continued, the desire to partake became more and more evident and forceful....but the lingering remarks and my own self worth or lack of , plagued me. After my kids were born and I thought the end was eminent, I again prayed to Jehovah and told him , I DID NOT WANT to go to heaven...that I wanted to live forever here on the earth with my family. The years have passed , I have served as and Elder , pioneer , had talks on the Circuit Assemblies and interview in the District Convention ...but I am not bragging , just saying...these where privileges but not indications of anything else , I have only wanted ever to serve the interests of our God and his Son Christ Jesus and my brothers and sisters. Two years ago , the memorial time was coming again and I felt very very strongly the desire and need to partake , once again I prayed to Jehovah , that I did not want to go to heaven and be with Christ and his anointed ones, that the paradise earth was the place for me, that I would be happy here, though in fact , while my wife could always imagine our life here and our home and garden and draw a picture of so many details of life in paradise , all I could do was use the pictures of it for me to imagine it. Not that I couldn't understand or appreciate what Jehovah has in store for man...but it is somehow not in me....so back to my point ...sorry.... while in prayer the scripture of potter and the clay came to my mind, is it the clay that tells the potter what to make , what the use of the vessel is going to be?...and that just as it is as the apostle Paul said , it is not a case of the one choosing to be , but the one who does the calling and choosing of you. This is when I realized I cannot escape my hope, my calling, it is not and was not my to be decided. It was at this time that I realized how long Jehovah has indeed known me , he has known me all my life , it is as if he was just waiting for me to get here...it was the paradise hope , the realization that one day our inclination will not to do wrong but to do what is right that will rule in our mortal bodies , not sin ...not the inclination to do wrong...it was this that drew me and the realization as no doubt it was for you , that , while we were yet sinners Christ died for us...this is the love of God....that was what brought me to tears and the realization of our Creator , our loving God, Jehovah. I have always believed, yes I remember at 5 years old , without religion of any kind , I was looking up to heaven or the sky.,lol and talking to God. He has always known me, he has always seen me, even in times of lack of faith, feelings of worthiness , at least in respect to my hope...even now , I always tell Jehovah that I must be the least of these , Christs brothers.
Please do not think I am saying this in arrogance or anything like this , but in humility before my God , I have never , ever revealed this to anyone except my wife , who basically told me the same thing as the elders so many years ago...so I have kept silent. But no more...I have been told by my father and God and I am not ashamed of it ...it is not a time of cowardice , it is a time to stand up for Christ and Jehovah. My hope and your hope is never something to be ashamed of , nor does it make us less or more lovers of Jehovah, it just makes our hope different , or reward is slightly different it is true , but serving our God and his Son and proving the devil a liar with the hope of Everlasting life is all that important , whatever our hope , we are united with Jehovah's heavenly organization of Angelic spirit creatures in honouring our father. For my part , I just had to come forward and finally admit it. I am not crazy ....I am not mentally deranged , I am not weird...I am just chosen ...no better no worse than any other worshipper of Jehovah.
As time has passed I have seen things , as Robert and others have shown over time , all the evidence of apostasy of the organization, so much so that I actually questioned that Jehovah even used the organization...I stumbled at all of this at first, and it took a lot of soul searching to understand what I should do, how to do it ...I believe Jehovah used the Organization for the gathering of both the wheat and the weeds , and that soon the angels will begin the separating of and gathering of them..thereby getting the preaching and teaching work done and his Name to the nations so that when the time comes to magnify his name as he says in Ezekiel " that the nations will HAVE TO KNOW that I am Jehovah....it will be done...like the scripture in Zech. 4:6 says " not by a military force , nor by power, but by my spirit :, says Jehovah of armies...
All we can do at this critical juncture is share what we know to be true , and Jehovah will do the rest, as Jesus said " my sheep know my voice" ,
so share , share and share ....those righteously disposed to everlasting life will listen...soon Jehovah will give all of us and opportunity to listen and obey...LOL sorry for the song reference...
I’m pretty new to the forum and have been reading a lot of articles. Your story reminded me of this one and I thought it could prove helpful to you. 