I can truly relate to what your saying.
I was stumbled and lost by the things I saw in the org in the late nineties, then the ten year watchtower membership with the UN was the last straw. I prayed deeply for answers and came across Roberts old group, it was like an Oasis in the midst of no man's land, there I found lovers of Jehovah who'd seen the light of the real truth. My difficulty is not being baptized, time and again I have made the effort to have a study, but something's always happened that lead to me ending it, either illness or the study conductor had to move away. Just before Covid broke out I decided to give it another go, as I desperately want to be baptised. But I find since this whole Vax agenda, it's harder than ever to even speak freely about your concerns, your not allowed an opinion if it doesn't fit in with the main stream narrative. I'm finding myself not learning anything about the Bible but principles that organisation expect you to abide to, I'm now at the point that it's causing me great anxiety, being forced to have my camera on when I'm house bound and not well a lot of the times, it's always something more that's required. Then when the questions centre around the governing body, the words stick in my throat, I'm finding I'm lying about how I feel. It's harder than it ever was before, because I see them for who they are. I can't stay awake through the meetings as it's so dry and repetitive, how brothers do this week after week, month after month year after year is beyond me. At least before it was based on prophetic fulfilment had the Daniel book and Revelation grand climax at hand, even though they weren't accurate it was exciting. Now we need to be taught how to behave in a car when someone's driving, how to look out carefully when crossing the road 🤦 I'm just holding on by a thread. Nobody contacts you or visits, only for my family I'd have nobody.