Anyone experienced this negative state of mind before or now?

[BARNABY THE DOG.]

Yes! Father McKenzie. Although he wrote sermons that no one would hear!

Oh well, O blah de O blah doe, life goes on.

 

[BagdadBill]

Oh well, O blah de O blah doe, life goes on.

Was a time that almost all I listened to were Beatles records. Now if I do, it's usually the early stuff on monoraul.

 

[Ms_ladyblue]

It sounds as though you have been given a lottery number and not bothered to cash it in and enjoy the freedom! You are your own master and don’t know it, so it seems. When I suddenly found myself retired I rejoiced in not having to go anywhere or do anything. The relief in not having to engage with the world was like manna from heaven, and drinking the best wine at the end of the party, rather than the stuff handed out at first. However, I realised that I should have adopted many of the points I have now, a lot earlier in life. It is glib to say it, I know, but sometimes it’s best to have a positive attitude as well as finding the strength to say “up yours” to the world. I think the watchtower influence also exacerbates this feeling of ”why bother”, in fact, I’m certain it does - I recall it being drummed into my head that I was just an unworthy slave, and that all that I do, I should have done anyway, and that there is no reward in life other than being a slave for Jehovah. Well, there is, and that too is from Jehovah, and is called being a worthy slave, and being “delighted” in the work of our hands. I found that to be so very true and worthy of living for. If we cannot love ourselves, then we cannot love another and the best way to love ourselves, is to give our love away and if we do that with care, then it will return to us a “hundred fold”. We reap what we sow and it is the hardest of all lessons to learn, but likewise, it is the most solid achievement in life if we are mindful of our creator. It is not who we are or what we are, but in what we do. Don’t leave it as long as I did to find that out.

I can appreciate your endearing comments BTD. You make some good points for me to keep in mind.
However, I know you as well as others are aware that I lost my husband almost one year ago now. So, consider that, I’m not you and you aren’t me. We all handle grief in a different way.

My husband and I were at the point where we were just learning about WT, but I truly believe he knew more than I realized. I won’t go into details…although I know he believed in Jehovah and the Bible I believe he stuck it all out with WT for me. I was zealous and enthusiastic for the ministry not because I wanted to be noticed but because I truly thought I was doing it all for Jehovah. But I don’t think that Jehovah expected me to go as much as I did. Now I regret overdoing it during those years. But my husband was very laid back and I feel now that he mostly wanted to please me and there were certain aspects he enjoyed, like being apart of many of the assignments given KH build etc. He put himself out there when he was available, which was often, and he was a good worker.
But for the most part the brothers never appreciated him, mainly because he wasn’t a ’yes man.’

I didn’t just lose my husband I also felt like I was betrayed in the biggest way imaginable by the WT. It was traumatizing to me. Sometimes when I cry, I’m crying for both reasons.…It’s so crazy! Anyway, hope I haven’t rambled on too much, but I know I have….

I keep thinking that with each day that goes by it will get better. I won’t miss him so much but I miss him more now than ever and that hurts. He was semi retired and getting ready to fully retire. We had so many things in mind we were planning to do.
But now I feel like I’m hopeless. Like I can’t seem to find where I belong, and I feel so lost.
What you said about the best way to love ourselves, is to give our love away, then it will return to us a “hundred fold.”
I don’t wish to remain this way. But there was something I read about GRIEF that describes exactly what I’m feeling that I want to share….

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.
It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.
All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest.
GRIEF is just LOVE with no place to go.

 

[BagdadBill]

GRIEF is just LOVE with no place to go.

 

[Ms_ladyblue]

Yes! Father McKenzie. Although he wrote sermons that no one would hear!

No one comes near,
Look at him working
Darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?

Ah, look at all the lonely people….

That’s such a sad song…
I think I like BTD’s take on it…
O blah di, O blah da, life goes on, brah!

 

[BARNABY THE DOG.]

I can appreciate your endearing comments BTD. You make some good points for me to keep in mind.
However, I know you as well as others are aware that I lost my husband almost one year ago now. So, consider that, I’m not you and you aren’t me. We all handle grief in a different way.

My husband and I were at the point where we were just learning about WT, but I truly believe he knew more than I realized. I won’t go into details…although I know he believed in Jehovah and the Bible I believe he stuck it all out with WT for me. I was zealous and enthusiastic for the ministry not because I wanted to be noticed but because I truly thought I was doing it all for Jehovah. But I don’t think that Jehovah expected me to go as much as I did. Now I regret overdoing it during those years. But my husband was very laid back and I feel now that he mostly wanted to please me and there were certain aspects he enjoyed, like being apart of many of the assignments given KH build etc. He put himself out there when he was available, which was often, and he was a good worker.
But for the most part the brothers never appreciated him, mainly because he wasn’t a ’yes man.’

I didn’t just lose my husband I also felt like I was betrayed in the biggest way imaginable by the WT. It was traumatizing to me. Sometimes when I cry, I’m crying for both reasons.…It’s so crazy! Anyway, hope I haven’t rambled on too much, but I know I have….

I keep thinking that with each day that goes by it will get better. I won’t miss him so much but I miss him more now than ever and that hurts. He was semi retired and getting ready to fully retire. We had so many things in mind we were planning to do.
But now I feel like I’m hopeless. Like I can’t seem to find where I belong, and I feel so lost.
What you said about the best way to love ourselves, is to give our love away, then it will return to us a “hundred fold.”
I don’t wish to remain this way. But there was something I read about GRIEF that describes exactly what I’m feeling that I want to share….

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.
It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.
All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest.
GRIEF is just LOVE with no place to go.

I am very sorry Ladyblue, I did not recall that you had lost your husband. Had I done so, I would have worded my reply differently to you. I lost my then wife thirty seven years ago to breast cancer and so I do understand the feelings we go though but such feelings are uniquely interpreted by each of us and so I’m very sorry to have presumed on your feelings. I’m sorry to have trodden on your feelings, for we must all deal with grief in our own way. From my own experience, I did find that grief eventually blends with fond memories of affection for the one we have lost and an enduring sense of togetherness in the common cause of a happy union that we enjoyed when together. There is a recognised experience to grief that is common to humanity - a process of healing, and it is something that we have to journey through because the circumstances are irretrievable, and so we must find other ways to cope. One of these, perhaps the foremost, is allowing ourselves time to adjust. Moulding grief into love is a wonderful adjustment to make as it is familiar to you and it is a fulfilling and very useful way to channel your feelings.
There is a place for the love to go, though, and that is inward. That is where your love for your husband was born, and surely will remain. Love is a reward and in its truest manifestation forms from within the Union of two souls to create a beautiful bond of reciprocation. That is both your treasure and reward returned to you by a loving husband. Far from having no place to go, its home is in your heart. A treasure both to harbour and sail on for eternity. It was his gift to you, and of course, from you to him. It is his reward to you for a happy life enjoyed together, to spend now and in joy of memories and to feed your soul with its purity of intent, just as it was given in marriage from him to you. Now it is yours to rely on and treasure. He placed it there in your heart, for you to use all your life and to be a comfort during this time. Perhaps it has nowhere to go, because it has already arrived in your heart, it’s home, where he laid it for safe keeping. That is your treasure and you know it’s content and value. It will sustain you.

 

[BARNABY THE DOG.]

Was a time that almost all I listened to were Beatles records. Now if I do, it's usually the early stuff on monoraul.

It’s a long and winding road, as you know!

 

[kirmmy]

No one comes near,
Look at him working
Darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?

Ah, look at all the lonely people….

That’s such a sad song…
I think I like BTD’s take on it…
O blah di, O blah da, life goes on, brah!

Well look at the bright side, my song is nowhere man according to most of my friends.
Man! I hate that song now.

 

[Sundial]

I can appreciate your endearing comments BTD. You make some good points for me to keep in mind.
However, I know you as well as others are aware that I lost my husband almost one year ago now. So, consider that, I’m not you and you aren’t me. We all handle grief in a different way.

My husband and I were at the point where we were just learning about WT, but I truly believe he knew more than I realized. I won’t go into details…although I know he believed in Jehovah and the Bible I believe he stuck it all out with WT for me. I was zealous and enthusiastic for the ministry not because I wanted to be noticed but because I truly thought I was doing it all for Jehovah. But I don’t think that Jehovah expected me to go as much as I did. Now I regret overdoing it during those years. But my husband was very laid back and I feel now that he mostly wanted to please me and there were certain aspects he enjoyed, like being apart of many of the assignments given KH build etc. He put himself out there when he was available, which was often, and he was a good worker.
But for the most part the brothers never appreciated him, mainly because he wasn’t a ’yes man.’

I didn’t just lose my husband I also felt like I was betrayed in the biggest way imaginable by the WT. It was traumatizing to me. Sometimes when I cry, I’m crying for both reasons.…It’s so crazy! Anyway, hope I haven’t rambled on too much, but I know I have….

I keep thinking that with each day that goes by it will get better. I won’t miss him so much but I miss him more now than ever and that hurts. He was semi retired and getting ready to fully retire. We had so many things in mind we were planning to do.
But now I feel like I’m hopeless. Like I can’t seem to find where I belong, and I feel so lost.
What you said about the best way to love ourselves, is to give our love away, then it will return to us a “hundred fold.”
I don’t wish to remain this way. But there was something I read about GRIEF that describes exactly what I’m feeling that I want to share….

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.
It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.
All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest.
GRIEF is just LOVE with no place to go.

Dear dear sister, how your words echo in me! I cry for the both of us again. It never seems to get better. I pray for the both of us to someday find peace and a way to deal with the bitterness of loneliness and trust betrayed. I send you my love in sisterhood...

 

[Theocratic Fascist]

Well when I say fear I mean despair with feeling of imminent danger. There are times I wonder if I am in a situation like one of the protagonists in an H.P. Lovecraft story.

It’s very interesting that you mention Lovecraft. The whole idea for Cthulhu in particular is so clearly ripped out of the Bible and twisted into something evil. Mainly the concept that coming face to face with Cthulhu will cause the individual to go completely insane and die as a result of the encounter. What do we read in scripture? That no one can see God and live. Along with the idea that Cthulhu has such a strong mind that he manages to manipulate mankind’s course of history even in his sleep. Similar to how Jehovah causes prophecy to be fulfilled regardless of our own actions. Obviously an attempt by Satan to take scripture and turn it into something sick and twisted for “entertainment”. The difference being that Jehovah has our benefit in mind while Cthulhu could care less if we existed or not and would be indifferent to our complete annihilation. I’ve no doubt that his works are wholly inspired by demons. Especially his heavy references to the necronomicon. The example I gave here is just a few of many.

 

[Ms_ladyblue]

Dear dear sister, how your words echo in me! I cry for the both of us again. It never seems to get better. I pray for the both of us to someday find peace and a way to deal with the bitterness of loneliness and trust betrayed. I send you my love in sisterhood...

Thank you my dear sister My prayers are with you too. @Sundial. But as hard as it is, I believe that Jehovah will help us get through this.

 

[Ms_ladyblue]

Well look at the bright side, my song is nowhere man according to most of my friends.
Man! I hate that song now.

I hate it too…it describes a man with no direction in his life…and so on and so on…
I don’t personally know you so I couldn’t say that you were a nowhere man!
All I know is that we live in a world right now that’s on the brink of falling apart. Does that contribute to how you feel now?

You don’t want to be a nowhere man now at this time!

 

[Ms_ladyblue]

I am very sorry Ladyblue, I did not recall that you had lost your husband. Had I done so, I would have worded my reply differently to you. I lost my then wife thirty seven years ago to breast cancer and so I do understand the feelings we go though but such feelings are uniquely interpreted by each of us and so I’m very sorry to have presumed on your feelings. I’m sorry to have trodden on your feelings, for we must all deal with grief in our own way. From my own experience, I did find that grief eventually blends with fond memories of affection for the one we have lost and an enduring sense of togetherness in the common cause of a happy union that we enjoyed when together. There is a recognised experience to grief that is common to humanity - a process of healing, and it is something that we have to journey through because the circumstances are irretrievable, and so we must find other ways to cope. One of these, perhaps the foremost, is allowing ourselves time to adjust. Moulding grief into love is a wonderful adjustment to make as it is familiar to you and it is a fulfilling and very useful way to channel your feelings.
There is a place for the love to go, though, and that is inward. That is where your love for your husband was born, and surely will remain. Love is a reward and in its truest manifestation forms from within the Union of two souls to create a beautiful bond of reciprocation. That is both your treasure and reward returned to you by a loving husband. Far from having no place to go, its home is in your heart. A treasure both to harbour and sail on for eternity. It was his gift to you, and of course, from you to him. It is his reward to you for a happy life enjoyed together, to spend now and in joy of memories and to feed your soul with its purity of intent, just as it was given in marriage from him to you. Now it is yours to rely on and treasure. He placed it there in your heart, for you to use all your life and to be a comfort during this time. Perhaps it has nowhere to go, because it has already arrived in your heart, it’s home, where he laid it for safe keeping. That is your treasure and you know it’s content and value. It will sustain you.

It’s ok BTD…no worries, we’re fine.

 

[BARNABY THE DOG.]

Dear dear sister, how your words echo in me! I cry for the both of us again. It never seems to get better. I pray for the both of us to someday find peace and a way to deal with the bitterness of loneliness and trust betrayed. I send you my love in sisterhood...

Please don’t take this as standard trite comfort, where the watchtower try to comfort the bereaved (however so bereaved) with the assigned verbal placebo of “there is always the resurrection” , but I can genuinely say that finding the truth, and knowing the truth about the truth as we do here, has made Jehovah and Christ, living company in my life and given me a living proactive faith. Something I never achieved with watchtower. It does not appear to heal the wounds of the past, (to deny them is superficial foolishness) but provides a calm reasoning that satisfies or comforts the soul as time allows them to fade, yet in the moment and of the future, provides a strong sense of personal hope and faith in Jehovah and Christ. I fear, calmly, I hope, the future will bear that out as we steel ourselves for the things to come. In the interim, we have the message of hope here and the spiritual faith of the brethren as a companion along the way. If there ever was a freely given support for those that suffer, it is to be with those of faith in Jehovah.

 

[kirmmy]

I hate it too…it describes a man with no direction in his life…and so on and so on…
I don’t personally know you so I couldn’t say that you were a nowhere man!
All I know is that we live in a world right now that’s on the brink of falling apart. Does that contribute to how you feel now?

You don’t want to be a nowhere man now at this time!

When we were young a bunch of us pioneered. It was the right thing to do and we were in a really good congregation. Of course many were looking for a mate. Most of my friends married and then quit pioneering. Children followed. They saw me as an aberration and one in particular gave it to me on a regular basis. So I became the "nowhere man". That same chucklehead, and his family, are on their fourth booster and as BagdadBill says; Tick tock.

Thing that really bugs me about him is that when the plandemic was in full swing, he'd come by and encourage me to take the vaccine. I told him no as I didn't need it. I tend to skip details with him. His idea of a conspiracy is when he's not allowed to go up for fourths at an all-you-can-eat buffet. After that when we discussed it he'd sit there with a smug look on his face and I got the feeling that deep down inside he was laughing at me. TBH, I don't see him much these days. Covid has divided all of us. I'm just glad I'm not hypnotized by the Devil's narrative.

 

[Ms_ladyblue]

When we were young a bunch of us pioneered. It was the right thing to do and we were in a really good congregation. Of course many were looking for a mate. Most of my friends married and then quit pioneering. Children followed. They saw me as an aberration and one in particular gave it to me on a regular basis. So I became the "nowhere man". That same chucklehead, and his family, are on their fourth booster and as BagdadBill says; Tick tock.

Thing that really bugs me about him is that when the plandemic was in full swing, he'd come by and encourage me to take the vaccine. I told him no as I didn't need it. I tend to skip details with him. His idea of a conspiracy is when he's not allowed to go up for fourths at an all-you-can-eat buffet. After that when we discussed it he'd sit there with a smug look on his face and I got the feeling that deep down inside he was laughing at me. TBH, I don't see him much these days. Covid has divided all of us. I'm just glad I'm not hypnotized by the Devil's narrative.

Yeah, we have some of those kind of “friends” here too. Usually they would be that way toward single sisters who put off getting married.
With single brothers, they would all would rally around him, especially if he was a regular pioneer….because he could be available almost any time to take the lead and be out in service with us.

What I always hated was, not too long after sisters became widows they would be in a hurry to find them a brother to get married. I’m glad I missed that boat due to the plandemic and like you said, Covid has divided us. So I pretty much have kept my distance.

It’s a shame that so many are under the covid narrative spell. Like somebody hijacked the organization that were the true followers of Jehovah and Jesus. Now, it’s like a different world, and I’m not referring to that ‘spiritual paradise‘ either.

 

[BagdadBill]

It’s a shame that so many are under the covid narrative spell. Like somebody hijacked the organization that were the true followers of Jehovah and Jesus. Now, it’s like a different world, and I’m not referring to that ‘spiritual paradise‘ either.

A good friend of mine who was raised in the hall related something to me back when I was new. The younger crowd had a get together. I was new so then not invited. Apparently it was comparison and ranking time and some of the things they said to him stuck in my mind. He isn't one of the pretty people but he's as humble as they come. Down to earth. Wears a cowboy hat even though he's lived in San Diego his entire life. A good quality hat though. Real nice looking. I saw Buck Owens twice and Dwight Yoakum twice with this brother.
The remarks they made stung him a bit but he didn't make a huge deal about them. With my limited knowledge I think I recall saying something like he was being tested and that theirs had yet to come. There was no need for them to insult their brother. He owned a mirror. Yet they did anyway.
After that I made no effort to be around the younger people very much. None of them ever spoke with anything that might be confused with conviction. Be hot or cold. Jesus hates lukewarm.