PJ54
Well-known member
I'm wondering where to start, I suppose I'll start at the beginning. I wasn't born into the Org like some of the friends here. I was born out of wedlock in 1991 in Long Island NY. My family was very Italian though my father's side was Anglo-Saxon. The my parents were dating when I came along & my mom's side of the family arranged the marriage when I was around 4 (possibly a shotgun wedding Lol). For the overwhelming most part of my life my Nana was the one who raised me since both parents weren't really capable. My mother had a severe case of schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia & bipolar disorder) & my father was a drug addicted (on & off) alcoholic. My mom got the illness from a traumatic event triggering it & my dad became an alcoholic from seeing a drunk driver kill his friend on a bike (it was very gory).
Growing up wasn't easy since I had to endure the trials of a dysfunctional family. Eventually it got to the point where CPS was going to take me into foster care. My Nana refused to hand me over & managed to adopt me (that's an old fashion Italian grandma for you). shortly after we moved down to Florida since my Nana got divorced from my step grandfather. Because of my upbringing, I developed a severe case of ADHD that's stuck with to this day. Having that condition had made growing up more difficult since I couldn't get along with the other students. I got bullied often in elementary school & it really sucked. I tried a few sports but eventually I embraced the martial arts since I was tired of getting pushed around. I took it quite seriously since the only other thing I did was play video games (it was an escape for me). While I did struggle in the school system (a prison IMHO) I managed to get by. In middle school I had some issues but at this point I managed to stand my ground & earn some respect. Early in middle school IIRC my uncle developed the same disorder as my mom. He was diagnosed with it after an attempted suicide. He stayed with us on & off. Sadly around that time I had another uncle whom everyone love die form an overdose. I went to my first wake & funeral. I never was the same since. As for high school I fortunately didn't have as much conflict besides my uncle causing issues. I joined the wrestling team for a couple of years but didn't excel at it.
It was around this time I came across the "truth". There was a girl in my class who was friends with a classmate I went to elementary with. She was a bit of a flirt with me. She had a twin sister as well. They were both unbaptized publishers at the time. Eventually the girl broke my heart. She was one the few people I managed to date at the time. I did study at the end of high school but I broke it off since I believed Charles Russell was a Freemason. I go to collage for a couple years & just before the last year I had an existential crisis with my beliefs. I was originally not religious but then brought under the Methodist denomination because my Nana wanted me to go to church (this was around the time I was in middle school). I searched for the truth & I was in despair.
I started to read the Bible (KJV), starting with the Gospel of Mathew. Much of what Jesus taught struck me in the heart. I realized I had to make changes but I didn't know where to go. With enough fasting & prayer I prayed to God to show me where the narrow road was. I remember having an intense dream of driving on a road that had a fork in it & I went right. On the left (wide road) was another version of myself going into a dark city with a dark red sky with the woman of my dreams looking at me with great anger. I realized that was supposed to be me & all my ambitions & what I intended to do. On the right where I was heading was narrow & it looking like route 60 going from Tampa to Clearwater FL (beaches on both sides) & I looked in my car seeing one of the twins in a white dress smiling at me as we drove into a light. That dream was the indicator I had to go back to studying. It was on Easter I went to the hall & the twins were welcoming me & I resumed studying with my teacher. I took some time before getting baptized. There were many changes I had to make. I gave up the martial arts (this was the most agonizing thing to do & I still am recovering from that pain), quit smoking, fought against pornography addiction, etc. I did manage to graduate with an associates degree & the friends were helpful on how to treat alcohol when I turned 21 (good thing too since alcoholism runs in the family).
Eventually I was baptized & enjoyed the brotherhood. Nonetheless, I still struggled with making friends since I was socially inept & was a strict introvert. You learn to isolate yourself when dealing with the world & when the majority of that time is dealing with the mentally ill. Before baptism though, my family was greatly opposed & were very vocal about it. It sucked that this had to be the case but eventually it subsided. All was well till 2016 (CERN was running IIRC). The beginning of the year was great. I started a small business, auxiliary pioneered (memorial season) for the first time, went on an awesome road trip with my Nana in my new truck. Things going great till the middle of August (I never liked that month as well as March to begin with). I was learning to hang wallpaper with the brother who did painting & wallpapering, when I got a call from the county sheriff. Then my family was contacting me on Facebook Messenger asking me if I was okay. I didn't know what was happening at the time & my relatives didn't tell me what happened. The brother had a bad vibe about what was going on (he lost a son & the county sheriff informed him). I get home to learn my dad passed away.
My dad had been in & out of my life. He always had an alcoholic problem in which caused much friction. My mom was mentally gone so I never really got to know her. When my dad came down with me, my Nana, & my uncle who passed, he hated living in Florida. Plus, surviving 3 accidents in which 2 were potentially fatal, took a toll on his body. Eventually he started to date a woman I wasn't fond of & was an enabler for his habits. He didn't do cocaine anymore but was introduced to pain pills before meeting her. She wasn't helping the situation & was rather selfish & perverted. I personally believe she drove him to suicide. I don't know where she is in this world but I don't care to know either.
After my dads passing & I having to managed his funeral, all hell broke loose. My step grandfather passed away the month after & my crazy uncle was living with him at the time. My Nana now has him living with us full time & he's completely gone. My financial situation went to hell, the business struggled, & every time I tried to improve my situation, life would smash me down (e.g. a vehicle malfunction that costs enormous money). No matter what I did the barrage never let up (even to this day). Eventually, I started to have doubts that haunted me (some since studying) in regards to the new system. I really didn't want to be stuck here for eternity & the though of it put dread in me.
After awhile I just started to fade away (not intentionally but naturally). It was becoming too much to do all these things & be active in the Org. Since I didn't have biological relatives in the Org there, wasn't any support in that regard. The friends were very helpful but they couldn't fully understand the situation. Plus, the twins were both DF'ed before I was baptized sadly. Fast forward to today & I ended up inactive. I ended up turtling like I did as a child when life got very rough. You learn these habit to maintain sanity. With doubts plaguing my mind I found Robert on YouTube & much of my concerns started to make sense. While I haven't been to meetings or field service in awhile I am thankful for finding this site. Otherwise I might have burnt out totally. But that's me in a nutshell. Hope it wasn't too much of a downer. LOL!🤪
(Edit 7/27/22): P.S.
I forgot to mention in 2020 my family & I were going about our lives even though the world was in turmoil. Since we weren't affected directly by the pandemic for the most part, we thought we'd be just observers. However, in November that year my cousin died of an overdose (around his mom's birthday on top of that). He had been the youngest to go in our family. The uncle that passed in 2005 was 26 but my cousin was only 20. Not even old enough to buy a beer. My aunt was shattered & my Nana & I keep an eye on her. Nana is a worrier as is (for good reason). To be frank with all the deaths in the family I thought I'd be next! It's in God's hands at this point.
Growing up wasn't easy since I had to endure the trials of a dysfunctional family. Eventually it got to the point where CPS was going to take me into foster care. My Nana refused to hand me over & managed to adopt me (that's an old fashion Italian grandma for you). shortly after we moved down to Florida since my Nana got divorced from my step grandfather. Because of my upbringing, I developed a severe case of ADHD that's stuck with to this day. Having that condition had made growing up more difficult since I couldn't get along with the other students. I got bullied often in elementary school & it really sucked. I tried a few sports but eventually I embraced the martial arts since I was tired of getting pushed around. I took it quite seriously since the only other thing I did was play video games (it was an escape for me). While I did struggle in the school system (a prison IMHO) I managed to get by. In middle school I had some issues but at this point I managed to stand my ground & earn some respect. Early in middle school IIRC my uncle developed the same disorder as my mom. He was diagnosed with it after an attempted suicide. He stayed with us on & off. Sadly around that time I had another uncle whom everyone love die form an overdose. I went to my first wake & funeral. I never was the same since. As for high school I fortunately didn't have as much conflict besides my uncle causing issues. I joined the wrestling team for a couple of years but didn't excel at it.
It was around this time I came across the "truth". There was a girl in my class who was friends with a classmate I went to elementary with. She was a bit of a flirt with me. She had a twin sister as well. They were both unbaptized publishers at the time. Eventually the girl broke my heart. She was one the few people I managed to date at the time. I did study at the end of high school but I broke it off since I believed Charles Russell was a Freemason. I go to collage for a couple years & just before the last year I had an existential crisis with my beliefs. I was originally not religious but then brought under the Methodist denomination because my Nana wanted me to go to church (this was around the time I was in middle school). I searched for the truth & I was in despair.
I started to read the Bible (KJV), starting with the Gospel of Mathew. Much of what Jesus taught struck me in the heart. I realized I had to make changes but I didn't know where to go. With enough fasting & prayer I prayed to God to show me where the narrow road was. I remember having an intense dream of driving on a road that had a fork in it & I went right. On the left (wide road) was another version of myself going into a dark city with a dark red sky with the woman of my dreams looking at me with great anger. I realized that was supposed to be me & all my ambitions & what I intended to do. On the right where I was heading was narrow & it looking like route 60 going from Tampa to Clearwater FL (beaches on both sides) & I looked in my car seeing one of the twins in a white dress smiling at me as we drove into a light. That dream was the indicator I had to go back to studying. It was on Easter I went to the hall & the twins were welcoming me & I resumed studying with my teacher. I took some time before getting baptized. There were many changes I had to make. I gave up the martial arts (this was the most agonizing thing to do & I still am recovering from that pain), quit smoking, fought against pornography addiction, etc. I did manage to graduate with an associates degree & the friends were helpful on how to treat alcohol when I turned 21 (good thing too since alcoholism runs in the family).
Eventually I was baptized & enjoyed the brotherhood. Nonetheless, I still struggled with making friends since I was socially inept & was a strict introvert. You learn to isolate yourself when dealing with the world & when the majority of that time is dealing with the mentally ill. Before baptism though, my family was greatly opposed & were very vocal about it. It sucked that this had to be the case but eventually it subsided. All was well till 2016 (CERN was running IIRC). The beginning of the year was great. I started a small business, auxiliary pioneered (memorial season) for the first time, went on an awesome road trip with my Nana in my new truck. Things going great till the middle of August (I never liked that month as well as March to begin with). I was learning to hang wallpaper with the brother who did painting & wallpapering, when I got a call from the county sheriff. Then my family was contacting me on Facebook Messenger asking me if I was okay. I didn't know what was happening at the time & my relatives didn't tell me what happened. The brother had a bad vibe about what was going on (he lost a son & the county sheriff informed him). I get home to learn my dad passed away.
My dad had been in & out of my life. He always had an alcoholic problem in which caused much friction. My mom was mentally gone so I never really got to know her. When my dad came down with me, my Nana, & my uncle who passed, he hated living in Florida. Plus, surviving 3 accidents in which 2 were potentially fatal, took a toll on his body. Eventually he started to date a woman I wasn't fond of & was an enabler for his habits. He didn't do cocaine anymore but was introduced to pain pills before meeting her. She wasn't helping the situation & was rather selfish & perverted. I personally believe she drove him to suicide. I don't know where she is in this world but I don't care to know either.
After my dads passing & I having to managed his funeral, all hell broke loose. My step grandfather passed away the month after & my crazy uncle was living with him at the time. My Nana now has him living with us full time & he's completely gone. My financial situation went to hell, the business struggled, & every time I tried to improve my situation, life would smash me down (e.g. a vehicle malfunction that costs enormous money). No matter what I did the barrage never let up (even to this day). Eventually, I started to have doubts that haunted me (some since studying) in regards to the new system. I really didn't want to be stuck here for eternity & the though of it put dread in me.
After awhile I just started to fade away (not intentionally but naturally). It was becoming too much to do all these things & be active in the Org. Since I didn't have biological relatives in the Org there, wasn't any support in that regard. The friends were very helpful but they couldn't fully understand the situation. Plus, the twins were both DF'ed before I was baptized sadly. Fast forward to today & I ended up inactive. I ended up turtling like I did as a child when life got very rough. You learn these habit to maintain sanity. With doubts plaguing my mind I found Robert on YouTube & much of my concerns started to make sense. While I haven't been to meetings or field service in awhile I am thankful for finding this site. Otherwise I might have burnt out totally. But that's me in a nutshell. Hope it wasn't too much of a downer. LOL!🤪
(Edit 7/27/22): P.S.
I forgot to mention in 2020 my family & I were going about our lives even though the world was in turmoil. Since we weren't affected directly by the pandemic for the most part, we thought we'd be just observers. However, in November that year my cousin died of an overdose (around his mom's birthday on top of that). He had been the youngest to go in our family. The uncle that passed in 2005 was 26 but my cousin was only 20. Not even old enough to buy a beer. My aunt was shattered & my Nana & I keep an eye on her. Nana is a worrier as is (for good reason). To be frank with all the deaths in the family I thought I'd be next! It's in God's hands at this point.
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