Should I Give up on Dating?

[Jahrule]

This is something I pray about a lot. I'd really like to start my own family someday. But the more I try the less likely it looks to work out. Some of you couldn't even make it work with another JW. The chances of me finding anyone is starting to look pretty hopeless. If people can't even make it work with other believers, what chance do I have with women on the outside? I've had a couple dates. But they usually are just looking to "hook up", and I'm not going to say I've never done that. I am still human, and if someone throws themselves on me I'm probably not strong enough to resist the temptation. I'm not.

This actually happens a lot up here. But regardless, that's not what I want. I understand that's a sin, and I shouldn't be putting myself in those situations. Again though, there aren't a lot of options. It's either put myself out there to find the right person, which will likely mean a LOT more dates, or devote myself to celibacy, which is almost certainly not going to happen, or just marry anyone who says yes, which seems like a terrible idea considering the women I've dated recently.

I have crippling anxiety. I'm eat up with insecurities. I get older every day. I'm kinda starting to panic a little. I'm almost 40 and I got nothing to show for it. On the other hand, I couldn't afford a family anyway, so maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. It's just that being alone, completely alone, every day is really starting to take a toll on my ability to function normally. I feel like I'm just surviving. I don't feel like I'm alive.

Sorry for the rant. I don't have anywhere else to go.

Hope all is well.

Cheers,
Joshua

 

[The God Pill]

This is something I pray about a lot. I'd really like to start my own family someday. But the more I try the less likely it looks to work out. Some of you couldn't even make it work with another JW. The chances of me finding anyone is starting to look pretty hopeless. If people can't even make it work with other believers, what chance do I have with women on the outside? I've had a couple dates. But they usually are just looking to "hook up", and I'm not going to say I've never done that. I am still human, and if someone throws themselves on me I'm probably not strong enough to resist the temptation. I'm not.

This actually happens a lot up here. But regardless, that's not what I want. I understand that's a sin, and I shouldn't be putting myself in those situations. Again though, there aren't a lot of options. It's either put myself out there to find the right person, which will likely mean a LOT more dates, or devote myself to celibacy, which is almost certainly not going to happen, or just marry anyone who says yes, which seems like a terrible idea considering the women I've dated recently.

I have crippling anxiety. I'm eat up with insecurities. I get older every day. I'm kinda starting to panic a little. I'm almost 40 and I got nothing to show for it. On the other hand, I couldn't afford a family anyway, so maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. It's just that being alone, completely alone, every day is really starting to take a toll on my ability to function normally. I feel like I'm just surviving. I don't feel like I'm alive.

Sorry for the rant. I don't have anywhere else to go.

Hope all is well.

Cheers,
Joshua

I'm 27 would love nothing more on God's earth than to start a family but haven't pursued anyone in three years I've pursued a grand total of 3 girls (2 had relatives that were witnesses) without exception I was faced with hostility and slander that typically took two years to fade in each case. I was nearly fired in the first case and the possibility of a restraining order was brought up simply because I had been thoughtful enough to provide someone id been talking with for months with a long letter and fifty dollars worth of gifts the third one said yes then flip flopped because I dared to mention the date to anyone and they were embarrassed was turned down on three separate occasions by that one in the four months afterward as for the second one not only did she within months start dating a guy with the same attribute that was mentioned in the rationale for turning me down but her grandmother is a witness that my mother gave my bed to about a year after the drama when we were moving so it could be given to the girl her granddaughter. In all honesty my very limited experiences as far as taking the slightest baby step to a family were traumatizing and I was a very different person after the first or those three situations from my younger self so if you're fortunate to actually get dates now and then even if the vast majority of options are subpar then you're not in a position to be defeatist. If you feel uncomfortable at the moment because of choices you made remember we all have free will cultivate self control and be outcome independent if anyone would leave you just because you decline "hook ups".

 

[Jahrule]

I used to have more problems when I was younger. I couldn't find dates at all. It's a little different when you get older. It's way way way easier. Older women who have more experience dating, so they are so much better to deal with than women in their early 20s. I think I'd rather throw myself off a bridge than date a woman that young again. So yeah, dating gets easier, or at least it gets easier to find dates, but that doesn't mean everybody is a match. You still gotta have some standards. I kinda want a woman that doesn't have kids, she should have a job, she should not be homeless (Didn't even know that was a standard until I moved up here). It would be great if she was spiritual or at the very least she must be okay with my beliefs. Also a good sense of humor is a must. That's pretty much it. I believe my standards are reasonable. I'm even willing to compromise on a few of them. If the right woman has kids, big deal. But some of that stuff is mandatory.

 

[SusanB]

I used to have more problems when I was younger. I couldn't find dates at all. It's a little different when you get older. It's way way way easier. Older women who have more experience dating, so they are so much better to deal with than women in their early 20s. I think I'd rather throw myself off a bridge than date a woman that young again. So yeah, dating gets easier, or at least it gets easier to find dates, but that doesn't mean everybody is a match. You still gotta have some standards. I kinda want a woman that doesn't have kids, she should have a job, she should not be homeless (Didn't even know what was a standard until I moved here). It would be great if she was spiritual or at the very least she must be okay with my beliefs. Also a good sense of humor is a must. That's pretty much it. I believe my standards are reasonable. I'm even willing to compromise on a few of them. If the right woman has kids, big deal. But some of that stuff is mandatory.

Just remember the 3 rings. First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring and then comes the suffer-ring!

 

[Jahrule]

Just remember the 3 rings. First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring and then comes the suffer-ring!

You're forgetting something important. Our generation skips the first two steps and just goes right into suffering. Oh snap... I just dropped a truth bomb on myself. Of course, so that's why I feel like crap.

 

[PJ54]

This is something I pray about a lot. I'd really like to start my own family someday. But the more I try the less likely it looks to work out. Some of you couldn't even make it work with another JW. The chances of me finding anyone is starting to look pretty hopeless. If people can't even make it work with other believers, what chance do I have with women on the outside? I've had a couple dates. But they usually are just looking to "hook up", and I'm not going to say I've never done that. I am still human, and if someone throws themselves on me I'm probably not strong enough to resist the temptation. I'm not.

This actually happens a lot up here. But regardless, that's not what I want. I understand that's a sin, and I shouldn't be putting myself in those situations. Again though, there aren't a lot of options. It's either put myself out there to find the right person, which will likely mean a LOT more dates, or devote myself to celibacy, which is almost certainly not going to happen, or just marry anyone who says yes, which seems like a terrible idea considering the women I've dated recently.

I have crippling anxiety. I'm eat up with insecurities. I get older every day. I'm kinda starting to panic a little. I'm almost 40 and I got nothing to show for it. On the other hand, I couldn't afford a family anyway, so maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. It's just that being alone, completely alone, every day is really starting to take a toll on my ability to function normally. I feel like I'm just surviving. I don't feel like I'm alive.

Sorry for the rant. I don't have anywhere else to go.

Hope all is well.

Cheers,
Joshua

I feel ya. I thought about it myself & wondered if it was possible. The way people have become, it's as if they became less human. The divide between the sexes has gotten to the point of hostility.

 

[Jahrule]

Just remember the 3 rings. First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring and then comes the suffer-ring!

And just to clarify, there's a lot of truth in your comment. I think part of the problem is we're skipping steps along the way. It's not so much about "marriage" in the sense that we know it today. I have a lot of problems with the modern institution of marriage. Personally, I think Jehovah would come closer to honoring a common law marriage over the more formal marriage setting of our era. Even if civilization collapsed and there was nowhere to have a ceremony I believe it is still possible to establish a union, in God's eyes at least, between a man and woman. I don't put much stock in society's definition of marriage anymore. We're living in an age where I could realistically marry my toaster if I desired. Somehow having all the legal documents from that institution just doesn't inspire a lot of confidence.

 

[Jahrule]

I feel ya. I thought about it myself & wondered if it was possible. The way people have become, it's as if they became less human. The divide between the sexes has gotten to the point of hostility.

That's another good point. That's why I almost exclusively date older women because they grew up before all this BS. Short of a few issues, it's been alright. Could have been better for sure, a lot better actually, but it's still better than my early 20s. In fact, I've done better just over the past weekend than I did throughout all of my 20s. Huh.... the more I think about this the more I realize my life really isn't all that bad.

 

[PJ54]

And just to clarify, there's a lot of truth in your comment. I think part of the problem is we're skipping steps along the way. It's not so much about "marriage" in the sense that we know it today. I have a lot of problems with the modern institution of marriage. Personally, I think Jehovah would come closer to honoring a common law marriage over the more formal marriage setting of our era. Even if civilization collapsed and there was nowhere to have a ceremony I believe it is still possible to establish a union, in God's eyes at least, between a man and woman. I don't put much stock in society's definition of marriage anymore. We're living in an age where I could realistically marry my toaster if I desired. Somehow having all the legal documents from that institution just doesn't inspire a lot of confidence.

IIRC those legal documents can allow the state to act like the 4th cord in the relationship. I've heard of horror stories where the parents tried to stop a child transitioning but because it was legalized, the state could override their decision.

 

[Sundial]

My youngest is going through the same thing. He dated witness girls and got engaged twice but they definitely turned out to be shallow and well, bad matches which thankfully did not come to fruition. Curiously, I just watched a youtube video by a young man on marriage and how hard it is now in this age. I'll put it here.

 

[BagdadBill]

I think the timing could be better. The world is beginning it’s spiral down the toilet. Then again, brothers told me that the system couldn’t go on much longer, but that was about 37 years ago. I’m glad I didn’t listen to them and stay living with my mom. She died about 25 years ago. Loneliness can wear on a person at times. Marriage advice should be sparing. If I were to get married again it wouldn’t be under the watchful eyes of a congregation. I am recalling a video on the website where a sister drops a trash bag or something and some things fall on the floor. The dashing young brother rushes right over to help. It’s love at first sight or it had better be because all eyes are on them and the video ends with an older couple smiling because they know that in JW land, that poor brother just proposed by offering to help the sister.
Yeah, meddlesome is the word that comes to mind. It’s either too much gas or too much brake. Never a happy medium.
When you first get married you have to realize that you married a human and they have their views and needs as well as you. It’s never 50/50. The thing that is most needed is time to get to know the person because time eventually uncovers traits you may not like. Unfortunately if you take your time, the gossip mill starts grinding and eventually an elder makes a comment that makes it apparent that they don’t believe in getting to know the person first. Wonder how many JW divorces happen because they were pushed.

 

[Jahrule]

I think the timing could be better. The world is beginning it’s spiral down the toilet. Then again, brothers told me that the system couldn’t go on much longer, but that was about 37 years ago. I’m glad I didn’t listen to them and stay living with my mom. She died about 25 years ago. Loneliness can wear on a person at times. Marriage advice should be sparing. If I were to get married again it wouldn’t be under the watchful eyes of a congregation. I am recalling a video on the website where a sister drops a trash bag or something and some things fall on the floor. The dashing young brother rushes right over to help. It’s love at first sight or it had better be because all eyes are on them and the video ends with an older couple smiling because they know that in JW land, that poor brother just proposed by offering to help the sister.
Yeah, meddlesome is the word that comes to mind. It’s either too much gas or too much brake. Never a happy medium.
When you first get married you have to realize that you married a human and they have their views and needs as well as you. It’s never 50/50. The thing that is most needed is time to get to know the person because time eventually uncovers traits you may not like. Unfortunately if you take your time, the gossip mill starts grinding and eventually an elder makes a comment that makes it apparent that they don’t believe in getting to know the person first. Wonder how many JW divorces happen because they were pushed.

Yep. Rushing into marriage nowadays is about as stupid as putting on a blindfold, jumping on a mortocycle, and driving full speed the wrong direction on the freeway.

 

[SkinnyAndShort]

I married a main stream Christian woman, I was able to convince her of the truth. She now understands the faults of main stream Christian religions. My point is, look for a woman that loves God and has an open mind to listen and can reason with the truth.

 

[Jordan Seager]

Never dated, never tried, had a couple of flirtatious moments in college before I even heard of Jehovah, that was it. But I'm nearly 30. As BagdadBill mentioned, loneliness, it's recently blindsided me. But I can't do anything about it as I'm in a grey zone. I can't be with someone as I'd be unevenly yoked either way, can't date in the system and can't date a Witness as I'm not fully a Witness myself, let alone baptized. I force myself to resist dating in the system as I KNOW I'll fall into temptation and inevitable sin, but I can't date or rather court a woman who is a Witness either as we'd both be unevenly yoked.

Humans a flipping complicated creatures. Blast! 😅

 

[Citrine]

I’ll teach you a technique to get exactly what / who is best for you 😉

 

[Theocratic Fascist]

I was just talking to my mom about this the other night. It’s crazy how the timing of these things works. This actually deeply bothers me and I’m really glad someone else brought it up…

I don’t have any interest in starting a family, I positively do NOT like children. But I do long for having an extremely intimate connection with someone. My main issue is that I’m indecisive with what I like in a woman which means the thought of marrying one person for all eternity terrifies me. What if I’m with them for 50 years and then find someone else I like more? Or what if I get bored of being with the same person? Now I’m just stuck settling and that sure doesn’t sound like paradise to me. I do NOT trust my ability to wisely or accurately chose a wife. Not for the short time we’re on the earth now and most definitely not for an indefinite time period like forever. Plus the fact that the kind of woman I would love, has absolutely zero interest in me whatsoever. I’ve basically been stuck accepting whatever is looking for me and it’s never what I want. Not even close.

Years of putting up with this has driven me to the point of wanting to just give up on the whole idea of love in the first place. I’ve curated this dream to live out in a cabin, thousands of miles away from a single human being, with a herd of dogs, a good fishing spot, and the occasional “company” from our Heavenly Father. I’d get to grow my own food, be surrounded by my best furry buddies and be LEFT THE F@*# ALONE.

I know that ultimately comes from a place of spite. But the only way I’d be even remotely comfortable with the idea of marriage is if I just let God pick for me. He made Eve for Adam after all, I’m sure he’d know best what would make me happy. Better than I do. That being said I’ve been rejected, denied, and not even given a chance so many times I seriously want to just never find anyone on purpose now. It’s like a weird life goal/vendetta thing. To reserve that love I would‘ve gladly given to a woman, for myself. Funny thing is Jehovah ”programmed“ us to want to be together from the very beginning. So at times it genuinely feels like I’m fighting my own programming by thinking this way.

Of course the only problem there is being celibate. (Who doesn’t like sex, after all? We were made to enjoy it) But I imagine being perfect would make being sexless much easier.

Or maybe this is all just me. 🤷🏼‍♂️

 

[Lisa-Lisa]

I’ll teach you a technique to get exactly what / who is best for you 😉

O.K. I am anxious to hear this !

 

[BillyRay]

It’s hard out there for young men today. A lot of the younger guys I’ve gotten to know through the course of my business say they’ll likely never marry. I feel sorry for them. They all seem really jaded to me. I ask them, how did you get to such a place? I get the same answers no matter whom I ask.

They say (their words) the dating pool is severely tainted between gold digging, self-entitled women…. Or what they call “high mileage” women who have been party girls dating bad boys, but now feel the biological clock ticking and are now looking for a steady guy with a good job. Or, they come as a package deal with the consequences of their poor decision making - resulting in some other man’s kids for you to raise.

These guys have also seen friends and family members get absolutely fleeced in a divorce when their new - formerly promiscuous wife - decides to go back to her old ways and cheats - which blows up the marriage. (I’ve heard this one several time - and I just want to say: “Duh!”)

These guys say that any woman not in these groups, would actually be considered to be a unicorn and such a young woman doesn’t actually exist. I tell them that they are too young to be that bitter. And to keep looking.

Honestly, I can’t relate to these guys at all. 30+ years of marriage here. I’m grateful every single day to have a wonderful wife, an incredible mother to my kids, and loving grandma to my grandkids. 34 years together total. Some days, I think she deserves a medal. Some days, I think she’d say that I do. LOL. I couldn’t have chosen more wisely.

I urge you. Stay away from todays hook-up culture. You do have the strength to avoid the seduction of such a young woman who may throw herself at you. You do! Quite honestly, it baffles me that people so easily give away something of such value meant to be shared between marriage mates. It’s cheapened and degraded when given away so carelessly. Besides, if she’s throwing herself at you - it ain’t her first rodeo. Is that really a woman you’d want as a life partner?

Anyhow…. I know it’s not easy on y’all. This world is wicked at every turn. But steer clear of the Canaanite women my Brothers. They can cost you your life.

End of old guy message.

 

[Jahrule]

I married a main stream Christian woman, I was able to convince her of the truth. She now understands the faults of main stream Christian religions. My point is, look for a woman that loves God and has an open mind to listen and can reason with the truth.

You are very blessed.

I’ll teach you a technique to get exactly what / who is best for you 😉

Oh I'm listening! I'm not going to pretend I haven't taken courses on this stuff. The problem for me isn't technique but when the technique works. It's just that the people it's been working with may not be the best people. That's my problem. I attract all the wrong people. If I didn't care, I could had multiple relationships by now. Personally, I think it's just where I'm at. Because I've never had this problem before. My area is super depressed and druggie. Just having a job and a home is like unique and weird to women here. They're like, wow you're so normal. I don't even have to be attractive or interesting. It just happens automatically. It's kinda great in a weird slightly depressing way. It's just that I can't find any normal wholesome candidates. They're so few and far between I could add them up on one hand with no hands necessary. It might seem like I'm exaggerating but if anything I'm being generous.

 

[PJ54]

It’s hard d out there for young men today. A lot of the younger guys I’ve gotten to know through the course of my business say they’ll likely never marry. I feel sorry for them. They all seem really jaded to me. I ask them, how did you get to such a place? I get the same answers no matter whom I ask.

They say (their words) the dating pool is severely tainted between gold digging, self-entitled women…. Or what they call “high mileage” women who have been party girls dating bad boys, but now feel the biological clock ticking and are now looking for a steady guy with a good job. Or, they come as a package deal with the consequences of their poor decision making - resulting in some other man’s kids for you to raise.

These guys have also seen friends and family members get absolutely fleeced in a divorce when their new - formerly promiscuous wife - decides to go back to her old ways and cheats - which blows up the marriage. (I’ve heard this one several time - and I just want to say: “Duh!”

These guys say that any woman not in these groups, would actually be considered to be a unicorn and such a young woman doesn’t actually exist. I tell them that they are too young to be that bitter. And to keep looking.

Honestly, I can’t relate to these guys at all. 30+ years of marriage here. I’m grateful every single day to have a wonderful wife, an incredible mother to my kids, and loving grandma to my grandkids. 34 years together total. Some days, I think she deserves a medal. Some days, I think she’d say that I do. LOL. I couldn’t have chosen more wisely.

I urge you. Stay away from todays hook-up culture. You do have the strength to avoid the seduction of such a young woman who may throw herself at you. You do! Quite honestly, it baffles me that people so easily give away something of such value meant to be shared between marriage mates. It’s cheapened and degraded when given away so carelessly. Besides, if she’s throwing herself at you - it ain’t her first rodeo. Is that really a woman you’d want as a life partner?

Anyhow…. I know it’s not easy on y’all. This world is wicked at every turn. But steer clear of the Canaanite women my Brothers. They can cost you your life.

End of old guy message.

It seems people today are just hedonistic. It doesn't help that feminism & the manosphere have been huge factors. What they have turned into nowadays, it seems is that they are militarizing the sexes. It sounds crazy but the hate is so immense that it's just a matter of time when the red horseman gallops through that they'll seek the opportunity to kill one another. I mean we see it with the racial, political, & religious, so who can say that gender won't be another factor.